


I don't want to understand.

by Simp_Supreme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I promise I'll post something that isn't sad one day jhfjahfks, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kageyama Tobio in Denial, Love, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Moving On, Sad, Tragedy, delayed mourning, haikyuu!! - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 10:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30087495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simp_Supreme/pseuds/Simp_Supreme
Summary: Several weeks have passed since Hinata lost his life in a tragic car accident on his way home from school. Most everyone on the team has gotten past the worst of the initial grieving, and have just started working toward getting past the loss.Everyone except for Kageyama Tobio.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	I don't want to understand.

**Author's Note:**

> This is yet another short oneshot fic I had the inspiration to write that I felt the need to post for whatever reason ahah. Feedback is appreciated as always! ♥
> 
> Also, I promise I'm gonna get back to the yandere au fic. I'm just very lazy and have way too many ideas at once djhfsjkh.

Kageyama sets ball after ball with empty eyes, watching as his teammates spike them over the net each time, the mood in the gym far heavier than past times. Though, it isn't as if it hadn't been this way for the past several weeks. Ever since that grievous day. Since Hinata's accident.

Things had gotten at least a bit better over time. Emotions were beginning to settle slightly, focus was returning, and the drive to play well—better than they EVER had before—just for Hinata's sake if nothing else, was surging through everyone's veins—even Tsukishima's. Practices lost their lighthearted feel, as their resident bouncy, energetic, loving first-year was no longer with them. The members try to enjoy themselves at least a little, still cracking some jokes, enjoying each other's company, and being sure to greet each other thoroughly with each beginning and end of practice. It was like an immeasurable, shocking wake up call. A reminder of how fleeting and unpredictable life really is. Everyone had begun to hold each other a little tighter since that day, a little closer.

Everyone, except Kageyama.

Kageyama hadn't seemed nearly as affected by Hinata's death as everyone else. When Takeda broke the news to everyone after Hinata's mother told him, it was if he'd just...heard any other team briefing. He hadn't broken down into tears, or lashed out in anger, or gone radio silent like the other's reactions. It was if he'd simply just accepted what had happened right then and there.

But everyone knew very well that isn't what happened. Everyone is entirely aware of how Kageyama functions. Kageyama doesn't grasp things he doesn't understand. He isn't able to. He brushes them off and tosses them aside in his mind, because if he can't understand it, it can't be that important, right? Hinata was someone he was close to. There aren't many of those people in his life, in fact. But he'd meet others. He still has all the rest of the team with him, and they all care for him too. He'll be okay. It'll be fine.

As he's throwing tosses to each of his teammates for their spiking practice, he begins to zone out, drifting into past memories. Memories of being right here, in his exact position.

_Asahi comes up to spike...then Tsukishima....then Daichi...then Suga....then Tanaka...._

_Then...._

_Hinata..._

_He watches as the ginger runs up to the line, flinging his arms backwards and lifting himself high into the air with his usual intense jumping power. The bright gym ceiling lights reflect off of the beads of sweat dripping from his milky white skin. The same intensity always present in his chocolate brown eyes shines through them like a blazing fire. He winds his arm back, watching a spot on the other side of the court, preparing himself. In one fell swoop, he brings his arm hurtling down, the ball falling at the same speeding rate, and—_

_He misses._

_Stuttering and blushing, the boy lands on his feet, looking back at Kageyama with slight embarrassment radiating from his expression, but also a warm, adorable pout on his lips. "Aaaagh! That was such a good jump too~!"_

_Kageyama feels his heart flutter slightly at the sight, his cheeks tinting pink, and a half-scowl forming on his face as always. He huffs, clenching his fists slightly at his sides. He's so clumsy sometimes. Closing his eyes, he clicks his tongue, preparing to scold the boy for making such an easily avoidable mistake. No different to usual._

"Agh! Hinata you idio—"

But when he opens his eyes, it isn't the fiery redhead standing there at all. In his place is Yamaguchi, who goes from embarrassed and apologetic to taken-aback in a split second.

Kageyama's words catch and die in his throat, forming a lump the moment his gaze falls upon the brunette before him. His eyes widen, shaking slightly. He...he isn't Hinata. That's not who was supposed to be standing there.

Everyone can see it. Everyone can tell when it happens. When it finally hits him.

Everyone can tell the exact moment that Kageyama realizes: Hinata is gone. He's never coming back.

The gym is deathly silent. Nobody dares to move, or say a word, or hardly even breathe.

Seconds go by without a word or a noise, until the soft sound of occasional pattering against the gym floor fills the air. Droplet after droplet rolls down the ravenette's cheeks, dripping down his chin and hitting the floor. His expression is unchanging, the same look of bitter, intensive shock frozen into his being.

The gentle pattering is soon drowned out by soft hiccups and gasps, and then by deep sobs. Tobio practically crumples in on himself, collapsing to the floor and hitting his knees on the polished hardwood. He presses his forehead to the ground, his sobs turning into wails and near-screams. He's never felt this much pain before. Why does it hurt so _badly_? It's as if all the mourning he'd failed to do during the past few weeks is rushing out of him all at once. He hadn't shed a single tear at Hinata's funeral. It hadn't registered yet then. He hadn't taken in his missing presence the first day back to official practice. It just felt as if he'd been out sick for the week. He wasn't hurt watching his teammates crying over his loss. He hadn't understood.

But now, now he does. He gets it. He gets it all. He finally understands.

And _fuck_ how he wishes he didn't.

His heart feels like it's going to shatter—hell, it feels like it _is_ shattering. He cries out Hinata's name over and over again, emitting pained wheezes and deep gasps from the sheer lack of air in his lungs in between guttural sobs.

It's only a couple seconds before he hears Sugawara's soft voice whispering gentle comforts and praises in his ear, feeling the older boy's soothing hand on his back.

" _That's it. Let it out Tobio. Let it all out. You're finally able to mourn. You can finally start letting go. We've been waiting for you to get here. I know it hurts, but just keep letting it out._ "

The others slowly make their way over, each one kneeling cautiously beside Kageyama, some with gentle cries and sobs of their own leaving them, some just comforting and holding others. There's a strange sense of comfort that falls over the setter as he feels everyone's presence around him. It's nothing compared to the overwhelming pain, but it's something nonetheless.

Why? Why did he have to leave? It wasn't his time. He loved that stupid fucking boy. Hinata was his sun, his best friend, his eternal partner. They'd never gotten to have their battle. They'd never finished their competition. They could've perfected their quick so much more. He never told him he loved him. _He never found out_.

Each reason Kageyama pulls out sounds more and more insignificant to him as he continues, and yet all too important at the same time. He'd take any plausible reason to get the boy back, even if it were merely just because he forgot to return a pencil he'd borrowed from him one day. He wants him back. He _needs_ him. He'd never take him for granted again. He'd never do anything to hurt him again. He'd never fight with him, he'd never neglect him, he'd throw him any toss he'd like. He'd do _anything_.

Just bring his sunshine back to him.

Everyone collectively decided that they should probably end practice for the day after everyone had grieved for a bit, and Tobio had stopped bawling. The setter looks absolutely drained, his eyes puffy and red, and his face and ears flushed. Streaks of tear trails run down his face in lines, bits of snot still dripping slightly from his nose. He trembles slightly as he walks into the club room, beginning to grab his things. The others are inside doing the same, talking quietly among themselves.

Daichi stands up at the front of the room beside Suga, gently calling everyone's attention before beginning to speak. "Alright guys. Suga and I have decided that we're gonna take the rest of the week off of practice to give Kageyama a bit of time to himself. We'll let Takeda-Sensei and Coach Ukai know about it before we leave today so—"

"—No."

Daichi pauses, turning to look at the ravenette who'd interrupted him. He blinks a few times in surprise, his lips parted softly before closing again.

"I don't want or need more time off. Hinata wouldn't have wanted that either. He would've been here with me, practicing anyway despite the cancellation, or fighting to get you to open the gym up again for us. I'm not gonna get any better just sitting there feeling sorry for myself. I've done my crying, and now it's time for me to start moving on. I'm gonna become someone Shoyo would've been proud of competing with, and move up in this world for him. I can't do that without all of you."

Hearing Kageyama speak so maturely and with such strength nearly brought more tears to the captain and vice-captain's eyes, soft smiles falling upon their faces. Suga walks forward, wrapping the boy into a tight, warm hug that he eagerly accepts.

"Alright Tobio. But don't you ever even _think_ about forcing yourself to come to practice if you're not feeling up to it. Be sure to listen to yourself and your emotional needs. Moving on isn't all about strength you know."

His senpai's words spark a very slight upturn of Kageyama's lips as he stands there, lifting his head off of the older boy's shoulder. He slowly pulls back out of the hug, nodding curtly and waving goodbye to his teammates before making his way out of the club room and down the stairs.

He isn't entirely sure when he started walking to the cemetery, but at some point he'd managed to end up at Hinata's grave, the sight of the cold, engraved block of stone evoking an ache in his chest.

He sighs shakily, placing his backpack down onto the ground and sitting with his back against a tree grown next to the headstone. He stares up into the sky, a relaxed, yet sorrowful expression resting on his face and a gentle breeze blowing his messy fringe around. He stays like that for some amount of time he hadn't bothered to keep track of, his mind running wild with old memories and exchanged words between the two. The silence is both stifling and oddly comfortable. An unusual feeling.

Finally deciding that he'd spent enough time there, he sighs deeply for a second time, turning his head toward the stomach-churning gravestone and uttering a simple three words as he grabs his backpack.

"Fly high, Hinata."

Kageyama stands up, making his way back toward the entrance of the cemetery.


End file.
